Anatomy of a Pedi

I've been getting pedicures on a regular basis since my mid-twenties. I'd say I get one about every 3 to 4 weeks depending on my schedule and finances. I'm always so excited to get one but after the one I had this morning I realized I don't really enjoy the process much, just the result. Allow me to break it down for you. You arrive at the nail salon and pick your color. This is a pretty fun part of the process because of the clever names. A great red color for Christmas is OPI's I'm not really a waitress. Today I picked a pretty purple named spontaneous. If there is no one waiting then a employee will start the water and bubble stuff in the pedicure massage chair. You take your shoes off, role your pants up and sit in the chair and put your legs in the water. Sometimes the water is so hot you can't keep your feet in for more than a few seconds. After some cold water is mixed in you can finally rest your feet in the water. The first thing they do is remove your polish if you have any and then they start trimming your nails and cuticles. This is usually my favorite part because they do such a better job than I could myself. Except when they cut me, make me bleed, and then spray alcohol on my feet which makes me clench my teeth in pain. Also, my legs are kind of short. The chair can be adjusted so the seat moves forward. They never seem to move it far enough and I have to position my leg and foot in such a way that causes my hamstrings to spasm and then cramp. Oh, and the "message" chair is anything but.

I usually like the pulsing at first but again I'm short and the pulsing becomes and intense jabbing behind my head and I think it's supposed to be my upper back. Then the chair starts to shake violently and every bit of fat and loose skin on my body jiggles alarmingly. I've even been in some chairs where the seat squeezed my thighs so tightly I almost cried and then had to pee. Once your toes are trimmed they start on the bottom of your feet. This may include using a scrub sponge with some goo squeezed on it or a cheese grater (no joke). If they even come close to the arch of my foot I die in a fit of giggles and my face gets super red.  Next, they attack your legs. They smear on huge amounts of sea salt scrub, rub it in fiercely, wash it off, and rub on some smelly oil. After the oil is rubbed all over your calves they then proceed to punch the crap out of your calves. After the boxing match they rub thick globs of pink lotion all over your legs and feet. The lotion is hard to get off. I hopped in the shower one time after a pedi and they put so much oil and crap on my feet that I slipped in the tub and did a semi-split. You know it's almost over once they start applying actual polish. I always wear flip-flops when I get a pedi so I don't have to hang around for my toes to dry. I usually sit at the drying table, flip through back issues of Essence magazine, and pay and leave within about 3 minutes. So, I guess my pedi excitement is a little misleading. I do love how my feet look afterwards though.

Pretty, pretty, pretty! I need to get some sun.